Uncertainty

Uncertainty is annoyed, isn't it?

Very annoyed.

After my last blog post, I got an e-mail from C which literally made me scream out loud in front of my computer.

I was happy and excited to hear from him. Obviously...

It's been 10 days since we have exchanged our life and share stories about our past.

Every e-mail is long and contains thousands of words.

I really feel there is a strong connection between us.

However, he is from a land that I can't even step in.

Yeah...I can't seem to get away of this cycle. Love is love. I can't help it.

My anxiety is there when he asked about if  I can get a visa to come for a visit.

I pondered....I don't know what to tell him and what to expect next.

He might run away from me just because I can't come for a visit.

If I were him, what would I do? I asked myself many times of this question.

What does it take for him to want to keep things going....

I don't have an answer for that.

Only time will tell.

Here I am writing this blog to clear my mind.

If I don't hear from him again. I need to tell myself. It's okay.

Maybe it just doesn't mean to be last. Don't be sad.

Love is a tough lesson in life and patient is a virtue.

I need to remember that.

Patience is a virtue

C didn't write me back...
I might have screwed it up by showing him my interests of wanting to know him.
There is this line came into my mind.

Patience is a virtue.

I need to remember that and remind myself often in any situations really...
I sucks at relationships but it's a life long learning lesson. I will get better every time when I meet someone special. God will do his magic. I just need to be patient.

In the afternoon, this also came to my mind.

If it's yours, it will be no matter what. 

I remember how love is. Love is unconditional. You love someone. You just.....love. It's ok if he loves me and I don't love him. We won't have a relationship. It's ok if I love him and he doesn't love me back. We won't have a relationship, either. It will be amazing if he loves me and I love him. We will have an amazing relationship together and share all the happiness in our life. I am learning along the way, from the past and hope for the better in the future. I am not going to force someone to love me, it shouldn't be that way, love should just happen without me even trying hard. It twists what love is all about.  

The distraction or a new purpose?

Not sure if God hears my prayer and really gives me the distraction (or a new purpose?) to help me to get through to the down time.

This guy named C seems to be a person that I could see myself to be with... 

He loves snowboarding, adventure is his passion. We speak the same language. Most important, I am attracted to him. The only thing is that he lives so far far far away from me. As much as I'd love to get to know him more. It's so hard to build up the connections when two people can't even meet each other at one place. A coffee date seems normal for a lot of people. It would be a hard thing to do for him and I... 

I surely do not want the regrets...I am giving him my e-mail today...if this is a blessing from God. Please do let the story continues...

Realization

If I were to accept the differences we have at the beginning and not to fight for it. I'd feel much better. I can't win the time and the distance. Yeah, figure that out 4 years later...a bit late but better than never.

Love

Love makes you happy. Love makes you sad. Love is a tough lesson in life that we can't escape. God made us to love and to feel the connections between people. The emotional struggle is hard. I wish there is a pain killer made just for love, for the things that can't be changed.

Scattered brain

Reading a friend's love story online is a bad idea for me right now...

It reminds me of A again. Stupid feelings is hunting me again. I drop my tears again today.

We secretly camped at a beach A used to go when he was little. The morning we woke up...

"Hey there is no one here" A said.

In my mind thinking "private beach, yeah, we can probably swim naked."

"Do you want to jump into the water naked? I will go get the towels in the car." A asked.

I looked at him all surprised as he's speaking off of my mind. "Yeah, let's do it." I said.

We took off all our clothes in the tent and he called "one, two, three! " We ran over to the water.

We're wild and adventurous. I really miss him.

Fuck the scattered brain. I couldn't do anything but try to calm down and hide my emotions away.  

Love detox

A should be in Bali by now sharing the same time zone as me. He is that close....

I shouldn't be thinking about this. It's not really helping. I hate love detox. The process of it is just mind struggling every time. 

A is gone, so does my dream of going back to the States to be with him is gone. One thing I have struggled the most. I can't win the time. I wish A and I will have more moments together if there's a choice to start it all over. 

Enough of A, I need to figure out what I am doing with my life so I can be that positive happy person again and leave everything A and I have behind. He doesn't even care, why should I? I need to constantly tell myself that notion so I can be sane. 

Recently, I discover an e-commerce business model called Drop Shipping. I was never a business person. I hate to work for the money but something that has more value to the over all life experience. What's really caught my attention is that it's a location independent life style if I were running an online business. It actually reminds me of few people who I met along my traveling who seem to be doing it. This Canadian guy I met in Santorini. I remember the last thing he said he is looking for a place that he wants to live. I asked him what he does, he said he does some import and export business with a friend. I was surprised that he still makes money while traveling. Another person whom I met snowboarding. I told him about my passion for snowboarding and am struggling with money to live my dream. He told me to search up "passive income" and "affiliate marketing". Some of my web design skills would come in handy on this. That was a year ago when he told me that. 

Couple days into my research, try to immerse myself on all the information on the internet regarding to this possible location independent life style thing. Something to take my mind away from the love detox. I hope it will help me get through this and can smile and laugh like I always will. The negative sadness needs to go! I can do this. I can do this. I can do this....