Winter is almost here!

It's Nov! My birthday month! The happiest thing to do on my birthday is to be able to strap in and cruise down the mountain! I can't wait to snowboard again! Only two weeks awaaaayyyy!

The emails were a bit slow now between C and I. He is on vacation right now and I totally understand that he would choose to enjoy it to the fullest instead of sitting down and to write me a long email. I have to admit that I miss our long e-mails. However, from my last blog post, I was worried that he would be overwhelmed by my share on the visa issue and the inability of visiting him in his hometown. It did sound like a "let-down". No doubt. I guess I wanted to see if he is interested in putting the effort to make it work. After what's happening between A and I, I really don't feel like investing on someone who could not understand what I have been through and see that hard work I put in to live the dream. It took a little long for me to hear from C again. I guess it's a lot to take in and really think through about the answers. C sent me a short response telling me he has been busy and will write more later. I wasn't sure and can't tell if he is still interested in keep the email going. So first time, I did not respond to that e-mail and thought maybe that's it. If it will happen, it will. If it's in God's plan for me, it will happen! I guess I am challenging my belief now.

Few days ago, I did get a surprise e-mail from C. Although it's short as well but I think he got the point why I didn't write him back. I really appreciate that he took the time to tell me that he would like to keep chatting and understands my whole visa issues. That really means something to me.

I really hope we get to meet up soon. I am not sure how long our feelings will last through words. But again, I believe if it's in God's will. It will happen. Not to mention, C is also a Christian. Did God pick him just perfectly for me? We will find out...

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is annoyed, isn't it?

Very annoyed.

After my last blog post, I got an e-mail from C which literally made me scream out loud in front of my computer.

I was happy and excited to hear from him. Obviously...

It's been 10 days since we have exchanged our life and share stories about our past.

Every e-mail is long and contains thousands of words.

I really feel there is a strong connection between us.

However, he is from a land that I can't even step in.

Yeah...I can't seem to get away of this cycle. Love is love. I can't help it.

My anxiety is there when he asked about if  I can get a visa to come for a visit.

I pondered....I don't know what to tell him and what to expect next.

He might run away from me just because I can't come for a visit.

If I were him, what would I do? I asked myself many times of this question.

What does it take for him to want to keep things going....

I don't have an answer for that.

Only time will tell.

Here I am writing this blog to clear my mind.

If I don't hear from him again. I need to tell myself. It's okay.

Maybe it just doesn't mean to be last. Don't be sad.

Love is a tough lesson in life and patient is a virtue.

I need to remember that.

Patience is a virtue

C didn't write me back...
I might have screwed it up by showing him my interests of wanting to know him.
There is this line came into my mind.

Patience is a virtue.

I need to remember that and remind myself often in any situations really...
I sucks at relationships but it's a life long learning lesson. I will get better every time when I meet someone special. God will do his magic. I just need to be patient.

In the afternoon, this also came to my mind.

If it's yours, it will be no matter what. 

I remember how love is. Love is unconditional. You love someone. You just.....love. It's ok if he loves me and I don't love him. We won't have a relationship. It's ok if I love him and he doesn't love me back. We won't have a relationship, either. It will be amazing if he loves me and I love him. We will have an amazing relationship together and share all the happiness in our life. I am learning along the way, from the past and hope for the better in the future. I am not going to force someone to love me, it shouldn't be that way, love should just happen without me even trying hard. It twists what love is all about.  

The distraction or a new purpose?

Not sure if God hears my prayer and really gives me the distraction (or a new purpose?) to help me to get through to the down time.

This guy named C seems to be a person that I could see myself to be with... 

He loves snowboarding, adventure is his passion. We speak the same language. Most important, I am attracted to him. The only thing is that he lives so far far far away from me. As much as I'd love to get to know him more. It's so hard to build up the connections when two people can't even meet each other at one place. A coffee date seems normal for a lot of people. It would be a hard thing to do for him and I... 

I surely do not want the regrets...I am giving him my e-mail today...if this is a blessing from God. Please do let the story continues...

Realization

If I were to accept the differences we have at the beginning and not to fight for it. I'd feel much better. I can't win the time and the distance. Yeah, figure that out 4 years later...a bit late but better than never.

Love

Love makes you happy. Love makes you sad. Love is a tough lesson in life that we can't escape. God made us to love and to feel the connections between people. The emotional struggle is hard. I wish there is a pain killer made just for love, for the things that can't be changed.

Scattered brain

Reading a friend's love story online is a bad idea for me right now...

It reminds me of A again. Stupid feelings is hunting me again. I drop my tears again today.

We secretly camped at a beach A used to go when he was little. The morning we woke up...

"Hey there is no one here" A said.

In my mind thinking "private beach, yeah, we can probably swim naked."

"Do you want to jump into the water naked? I will go get the towels in the car." A asked.

I looked at him all surprised as he's speaking off of my mind. "Yeah, let's do it." I said.

We took off all our clothes in the tent and he called "one, two, three! " We ran over to the water.

We're wild and adventurous. I really miss him.

Fuck the scattered brain. I couldn't do anything but try to calm down and hide my emotions away.  

Love detox

A should be in Bali by now sharing the same time zone as me. He is that close....

I shouldn't be thinking about this. It's not really helping. I hate love detox. The process of it is just mind struggling every time. 

A is gone, so does my dream of going back to the States to be with him is gone. One thing I have struggled the most. I can't win the time. I wish A and I will have more moments together if there's a choice to start it all over. 

Enough of A, I need to figure out what I am doing with my life so I can be that positive happy person again and leave everything A and I have behind. He doesn't even care, why should I? I need to constantly tell myself that notion so I can be sane. 

Recently, I discover an e-commerce business model called Drop Shipping. I was never a business person. I hate to work for the money but something that has more value to the over all life experience. What's really caught my attention is that it's a location independent life style if I were running an online business. It actually reminds me of few people who I met along my traveling who seem to be doing it. This Canadian guy I met in Santorini. I remember the last thing he said he is looking for a place that he wants to live. I asked him what he does, he said he does some import and export business with a friend. I was surprised that he still makes money while traveling. Another person whom I met snowboarding. I told him about my passion for snowboarding and am struggling with money to live my dream. He told me to search up "passive income" and "affiliate marketing". Some of my web design skills would come in handy on this. That was a year ago when he told me that. 

Couple days into my research, try to immerse myself on all the information on the internet regarding to this possible location independent life style thing. Something to take my mind away from the love detox. I hope it will help me get through this and can smile and laugh like I always will. The negative sadness needs to go! I can do this. I can do this. I can do this....   

I am not that lucky girl after all.

"You know how love is, it's weird." a line he texted me couple years ago.

"Don't you know we are alike?" He said.

"For your record, I don't like mushrooms. It's too earthy for me."

"I don't drink coffee. It's too bitter."

"Omg, you made me omelet and hot chocolate for the breakfast."

"This is where I learned how to surf."

"She is gonna visit me in New York!" He said to a friend.

"I have a sweet tooth. I love ice cream."

"I love camo."

"Check out my camo tent."

"My mom took me and my brother to play in this grave yard."

"I always want a Santa Cruz board."

"I will visit you in Taiwan. Surf some spots in Asia, Always wanna go to Bali."

"I did it better right? I stayed longer." Our trips to Tofio

"I have a great birthday. Thank you." He hugged me tight.

"Pick a word that you would use to describe about me?"

"Special." He said.

"Wild. You're a wild kid." My answer to him on the same question.

"I am known for showing my butt cracks"

"If you can hold my hand now that would be great."

"You're sexy. Sometimes I have close my eyes so I don't come that fast."

"I got you. I want you to have this hoodie."

"Put this on. You can definitely pull this off."

"You're tough, Soph. You just hurt yourself all the time."

"I realized I have problem to commit. I am not ready to be in a relationship."

"Yewww, you farted!" I said. "That means I am comfortable around you." He said.

"My little housewife." After he came back from surf while I was setting up the tent all by myself.

"Babe, check this out."

"Let's stop here. I want to take a photo of us."

"This is a good one. A nice photo."

"Babe, do you want the fire?"

So many lines to remember over the past 4 years...

A and I live in different side of the world. Loving the same thing. Living the life. We only get to see each other while traveling together...every trip together was amazing.

We haven't seen each other for over than a year.

This week...

"Are you going to Bali with anyone?"

"Hey. No, where are you at these days?"

"In Taiwan"

"I want to go to Bali with you. When will you get in? I will book a flight." I said. No response for 5 days...

Finally, he gave me the date.

"Time? Would you like to plan it with me so we can make this happen and stay together?" I asked.

He gave me the time and the area he will be staying.

Also...

"But I have a girlfriend now...."


He is someone's boyfriend now. I told myself. It's real. Very real this time.

He didn't choose me. He didn't care about me anymore. What do I do now...It hurts terrible.

I couldn't sleep last night.

He is gone. I am not that lucky girl after all.

Who I have become now?

Last night, I was looking for a picture to be used as a profile picture on a website. I began to click on the potential ones, hit the next button and next and then next. I saw a good 10 years of my life. I seem to have lived in so many different life during those years.

Back in the days in Savannah. I was elected to be a staff member of the Chinese Student Association on my first year in school. Yea first year which isn't normal. My "absolutely" open, out-going, talkative personality at the time made me a perfect person for that role. I love to connect to people, help people and be on top of things. I was that "go-to" person for most of the new comers. The main crew for most of the parties. I was friends with many different groups and always tried to bring different groups together to have some good times. That was me at that time.

Up next was my life in New York. The urge of bringing people together was still there so I'd always invite different group of friends together and let them mingle the way out. I loved to be that person and was proud to be that person why people were connected. I also loved to dress up, wear makeup and walk on heels. I had a great time eating out, having brunch with a group of friends over the weekend, checking out art shows&exhibitions, hanging out at a coffee/tea shop whole day and clubbing with the girls late at night and looking for pizza or taco after. That was me at that time.

Moving from New York to Los Angeles, I kept a few things and dropped a few as well. I always remember that I was judged by my L.A. friends at the beginning by wearing too much black. They said, "It's L.A., You look like a New Yorker". I began to dress differently to fit in. Making friends in a new place was never a problem for me, the out-going and talkative me. I soon became the person who would plan the group activities every weekend. It's Los Angeles, my lifestyle had a dramatic change, too. Having a car had let me pick up more outdoor activities such as surfing and snowboarding. I never miss the life in New York too much. If I remember it right, I moved to L.A. in the age of 29, last time I went clubbing in L.A. was the "important" 30th birthday party of mine. After that, my desire of clubbing and being glamorous had gone down, at the same time the amount of love for snowboarding and surfing had grown ridiculously large, it's something that you would call "passion".

I began to spend a lot of time in the mountain and at the beach. It had quickly become a routine of my life. I slowly stopped wearing makeup because I wanted to be able to rub my face with my hands when surfing or snowboarding. It would be a disaster if I rub my eyes with eyeliner and mascara on. Can you imagine? I knew I'd look good with it on but it seemed unnecessary to me. I was more comfortable without it. As my life in L.A. had gone on, I had felt the complication with my close friends back in New York. The communications between me and them were less and less just because I weren't involved in the events and our common interests were not the same anymore. One day, I even found out that one of them unfriended me on facebook. "Really? All those girls time back in New York were nothing. My effort of bringing people together were nothing to you. My surprise visit to your birthday party were not enough to keep me on the friends list." My reaction to it was disappointed, and my feelings were definitely hurt.

I had to admit that friendship has its own life span. It's all about the moment really.

Who I have become now? I kinda took a step back or maybe just started to not invest so much on building a good friendship because down the line when I move away again, the friendship would fade away most of the time. I couldn't find a good reason to enjoy the moment with friends or trying to make new friends knowing that couple years after the friendship will not be the same. Looking at those old pictures last night definitely had me wonder about my choice of being surrounded by short-term friends to one or two life-long friends. It's a tough one.

Where to start now?

Here I am again, writing a blog. About to sign up a new blog but ended up digging out the old one. I don't even remember this one which I signed up in 2008 while working on my MFA thesis. Re-purpose the title and here we go...a brand new blog that serves multiple purposes.

Been fortunate enough to travel to many places, took tons of pictures, had so many thoughts along the way but no one really knows what's in my mind unless I share.

Yeah that's right. Share. 

Because of my choice of the lifestyle. It's hard for me to stay at one place, one city or one country for a good period of time where I would make a group of close friends. Without a group of close friends to talk to, I need an outlet to let go all the thoughts in my mind, positive ones and negative ones (no one is perfect, right?), about those little things in life.